(no subject)
i love steph

and cock.

rpattz is my secret lover. that's why him and kstew brokeup.
i love steph

and dicks

(no subject)
i like baby p33n

Another Goal Oriented Post
So after thinking about what has been restricting me lately, I noticed that one of the major problems is how I have my home set up.

Currently any work that is accomplished is done so on the couch in my living room, or by my bed. This restricts me a lot,
I end up having papers hurled all over the place and find myself needing to move about a lot because I don't have anything
I need near me.

So this is just some thoughts as to how I want my room to be,

I need white boards, probably 3 big ones. I want room to just get up and draw things on. Just for random inspiration moments, but to also
chart out important processes.

I really want a graphing table, that would be amazing! I would love the large room it offers as well as ease of use.

Plenty of organization for my cloths... so that I don't have to climb over piles of crap to get my pens :(

An analogue calender because I find myself forgetting about my digital ones :( 

A nice size computer desk, but yet still small enough that it fits tight into a corner. I don't want to have my work focused around
my computer space anymore, it just gets soo clustered and cumbersome I hate it! 

I want a couple of sketch pads just laying around so when I do get inspiration I don't have to go into a drawer... that just doesn't work for me.

Probably the biggest change I need to make is that I want everything at either standing height or sitting height, so much crap I have
right now (thinking of my chair and my desk) are either too high for when I sit or too low to use when standing. Its just frustrating! 

But yet I have a feeling that this stuff is just going to leave my room cluttered and cumbersome again, so I've been checking out
some interesting furniture solutions. I have a feeling I may end up ordering some things online because they just work better,
like a hyrbid graphing table that doubles as a desk space (which is awesomeee!)

Just been doing a lot of work the past 3 days and I'm realizing how much time I waste hating the environment I'm in. I focus more
time on being frustrated then on getting work done which means I have to spend even more time doing work I want to finish but
can't bring myself to finish because I'm getting annoyed at everything around me!

Hopefully I'll have enough cash when I move back to jersey to make this happen!

A prescription for inspiration.
So today will be my last time meeting with my therapist Stacy.
I just don't have the money to go back again right now.

She left me with a good assignment though, a bit of a trial for improvement type of assignment.

Everyday I wake up, I'm going to write 3 pages of just random. Not a journal entry, just whatever is floating around in my mind.
Then 3 times a week I have to go on a 30 minute walk, no destination in mind, just walk.
Finally once a week I have to go do something I wouldn't consider normally.

After talking to her today, we got to the point of thinking that my lack of motivation may be coming from the fact that
for the past several months I have been lacking inspiration, especially since I  am soo heavily right brained.
The fact that I have been emotionally draining myself in school / life and not replenishing my creative side its somewhat
like draining batteries until they are dead, then never letting them fully charge again.

So I'm really going to try and do this, it makes sense to me. At the least I will find new things that inspire me, and maybe even
get out some more then I have been lately. The whole thing with my friends down here isn't helping all that much, since
everyone is focusing on themselves and getting ready to move home, there hasn't been much room for hanging out at all.

I'm excited to move back to Jersey because its safe there for me, I have a lot of people I care about there, and speaking of
inspiring locations to visit the Tri-state area really beats the hell out of a lot of areas. Rural, urban, farmland, its got it all. I really hope
I can get back into the groove of things, it seems every time I do something knocks me out right away again (even more so that I let it)

Hopefully when I move back things will become more realistic to me, more along the lines that I have to put in more time
for the important things, and less time into things like sitting around listening to music all day. Doing that every so often is ok,
but every day for weeks on end is getting me no where fast. I do know though nothing will change once I get out of school,
if I don't change myself now when I get out I will still be the same person. Something has to change, or I'm just going to get
nowhere fast.

I just feel so restricted because of money right now, I lose a lot of inspiration to go out and do things, but that isn't an excuse. There
are still ways to get out and be active by not spending cash. It just seems the most appealing things cost money. I believe there
is an art gallery coming up next week, I know for a fact there are harmonica lessons (no thanks) and punk rock knitting lessons (I KNOW RIGHT????) as well as a meeting to just network. I'd really like to have my business cards ready by then... not likely though.

The more Stacy and I have talked the more I realize that the problem isn't that I'm lonely, and it isn't that Orlando lacks things I like. There are plenty of things to do down here if I really wanted to, I've just given into depression and I stopped trying to make things better.

Every time I have met with Stacy she has been sooooo confused because I appear to be happy, I have a good idea of what I should do,
and most importantly I know where most my faults lie, yet I still feel so shitty all the time. Its weird because the entire time she would
avoid saying depression, and avoid admitting there might be something wrong but I think I understand why now. Focusing on and
recognizing a problem gets you as far as knowing there is a problem, and knowing what it is. Focusing on a solution and learning how
to make that solution happen gets you much more. So maybe that is why starting here, doing this activity will be the best help I've gotten
so far. I'm really hoping it is, but I just don't feel like I can commit to it right now. I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to get up
and out.

So! Here's to finding that muse in life and becoming inspired to live once more, to new challenges not seen and known, to starting to improve, and hopefully to a happier lifestyle.

Now I just need to get off my ass and make it happen. ;-;

::BTW!!:: The idea of a prescription for inspiration comes from a book called The Artist Way by Julie Cameron, I suggest all my
other right brainers out there to read up on it. An excellent philosophy / artist inspiration workbook on getting back on track and
maintaining a healthy artistic and emotional life.

A short story. (psych essay)
I'm a bit nervous posting this up, it is an experimental type of writing for me that I did last month for a psych project and I really liked it a lot. I want to try something more complex and along the same lines of this again. Written on June 5th, 2009

It was this chair 6 months ago that started it all, the pain, the love, the angst that I now feel. If I would have known sitting in a lousy chair would have started a chain of events that would leave me alone and without a soul to care about me then I would have stretched my legs and sucked it up. If you’re reading this journal it is because I’ve already killed myself, I decided that if I am to kill myself I should at least save another and I know that you have been contemplating suicide yourself Eliot. You’ve always been a good friend of mine, and a better sister, but you need to let go. (6/26/08)

January 24th, 2008                                         
5:04 a.m.

    Today while attending the wedding of my friend Persephone I met the most peculiar person ever. She was stunning, it was her bright pink hair against that beautiful lime green dress she had that caught my eye right away. I didn’t go up to her though, I was too scared. Rather we started talking because I sat on this white bench, and she decided it was rude of me to sit alone so she made me allow her to sit with me. It was right then and there that I realized today was going to be the day that proved love exists. I know call me crazy, I didn’t even know this girl! It was just something in her eyes, in the way she calmly touched my hand as we started talking about recent events in our lives, and the way she would gently sigh when she was genuinely affected by what I said. She was astonishing, no one has given me attention like this before. She even called me handsome! HANDSOME!? Of all things to call a man looking like me, but she meant it. It was her eyes, everything she did was reinforced with them, you didn’t have to poke and prod her to figure out if she was being sincere because her eyes spilled the truth from her heart.
    We talked for hours today, and I just actually got off the phone with her. This is the first journal entry I’ve written in over a year now, but I feel I should start writing again. Maybe this will be the girl to help me out of my slump, maybe she will be the one I will spend the rest of my life with. I can’t believe I’m actually writing this right now, the man who denounced marriage is now not only accepting it but expecting it?? It may be too early to know for sure, but I do know how my heart feels and it has not ever felt like this before.

“A life eternal is pointless, without a love to match.” - Signed with a quote from the soul.

March 15nth, 2008                                           

    It has been a while since I’ve written in here so I figured I should give it another go. Things have been great with Sophia, but there is something I can’t handle any longer. I can read her eyes, and yet she won’t say it to me. We’ve been talking about marriage, and about how we want to have kids, yet I feel as if it is only a half truth. Of course we were moving really fast, but things were going so well! I don’t see the problem with moving fast as long as both of us are alright with it. I guess it could be worse, she still tells me every once in a while that she wants to be with me, and that she misses me while I’m away. I know she isn’t cheating on me. I still can’t believe I never noticed we went to the same school, I mean my best friend has known her almost as long as me! To think Shawn had been friends with my love, and never introduced me! What are the chances? Just imagine I could have been happy for years if he had only thought to bring her around once or twice. What was he thinking? He knew I needed someone in my life, and here he had this beautiful girl just waiting for me!

    I can’t believe it, she just texted me. I won’t believe it, she wants to break up with me? Where is she coming from? Trying to claim I've been cheating on her? I knew I shouldn’t have brought this up with her! It didn't even happen! It would have all blown over if I could have just kept my mouth shut. I knew something has been bothering her lately, why didn’t she say a thing to me? How can she break up with me over nothing, breaking up with me makes all my efforts with her fruitless all I want is to be with her and to make her happy!

    That’s it, I’m done with her. If she is willing to break up with me over such a random feeling I got then there is no point in being with her!

    I figured I would jot the time down, I’ve been talking to Sophia now for quite a while and the situation has changed for the better. She asked me to give her some time and space, that she just has a lot on her mind right now and doesn’t want to drag me in. I just don’t understand why she would want to be alone at a time like this, but at least for now I still have her. I’m going to make sure I give her the space she needs.

“A heart with desire too strong, can stifle a love life long”- Signed with a quote from the soul.

May 12th, 2008                                           
7:43 p.m.

    We had a date tonight, she finally has gone back to being the girl I originally fell in love with. It seems strange she would snap back into place after I have said nothing to her for so long, we kept in touch, saw each other once or twice a week, but I never did anything spectacular to gain her back. I just don’t understand. That doesn’t matter though, because I’m happy now, and she is genuinely happy as well. We’re in love as much as ever and she is once again mine. I hope this will have been one of the toughest times we have to face, because when I’m not close to her I feel so miserable. I just want her to open up to me, and when she does it feels amazing. No need to make this entry sappy and sad though, I have never been happier in my life and things are going great! I love Sophia, and in 4 months I will be proposing to her. I’ve made up my mind, and no one can change that. It makes me laugh to think a bench is a better match maker then my own best friend.

“Peace and harmony found in balance of heart.”- Signed with a quote from the soul.

June 25th, 2008                                           

    She left me. I couldn’t help it, I didn’t mean to I swear! She meant the world to me, she made me think she slit her wrists! WHAT CAN SHE EXPECT FROM ME? Of course I called everyone I knew that could get to her, I was out on business! Nearly 10 hours away I couldn’t go and stop her! What was she thinking texting me that she was watching the blood pour down, with a razor on the ground?! How could she do this to me? All I ever wanted was for her to be happy, I did everything for her, I gave her space whenever she needed it, I bought her food when she was hungry, I even respected that she didn’t want to have sex with me for three months, how could she just leave me like I was nothing to her? I did everything she wanted and sacrificed a higher paying job just so we wouldn’t be farther away! I’m not even going to waste shedding a single tear on her, she doesn’t deserve it. If she is just going to throw me away like some unwanted garbage then to hell with her!

“True love found is true hope lost” -Signed with a quote from the soul.

June 26th, 2008                                           

    I got a text from her today, she said I never let her be. That I didn’t love her, but rather was obsessed. She told me that I was pathetic for being so desperate. Shawn called me today, we had a long heart to heart. I realized something though, after he hung up, I was meant for one thing - to love with all of my heart. I’ve accomplished that goal in my life, so I’ve concluded I have nothing else left to aim for.

    To Sophia, my last lover ever; to Shawn, my best friend throughout life; to Eliot, the best sister anyone would have been lucky enough to have; I love you all. You will never know how important you were all to me, but I promise this decision was not selfish but rather predetermined. The pills are already taking affect. I am off now, this life I lead has been great.

“In death we see life. Yet in life all we can see is death, what irony that the only time we are truly alive is the moment we cease to be”-Signed with a quote from the soul.

June 27th, 2008                                           

    I woke up today, to my surprise. It was 8:00a.m. I haven’t been able to stop asking... why? Why am I still alive after taking all of those sleeping pills? Why am I still here if my goal is complete? Why can't I stop crying? Why can't I stop hurting? I know why now, after calling the doctor that prescribed the pills. He said that he didn’t believe I was having problems sleeping, but rather was just too caught up on life. They were just placebos to get my by. Is this a sick joke? After I finished those bottles of wine I expected to never wake up again, yet here I am now? What god is so sick and twisted that he would allow this to happen? And to let me have such a wicked headache...


    She called me, Sophia called me! She finally told me the truth as to why she has been behaving like this and now I can see the path fate has truthfully laid out for me! All this time, I just don’t understand how she could have hidden it so well, I never even noticed once. Of course this doesn’t make things any easier knowing now, but at least I have some solitude! She's found out she was pregnant and didn't want me to know, afraid I would just leave her!

    I see now, that in life you can’t struggle and fight for what you want. Rather, you have to let it flow naturally and allow it to balance itself out on its own terms. We’re going tomorrow to visit that white bench again, this time when she sits down I will be kneeling. I'm sorry to make you think I killed myself Eliot, but I did try. If nothing else I want to see you move on as well, because I could never bare to lose such a good friend and a more loving sister like you.

“True hope lost, is truer love found” -Signed with a quote from the soul.

A treaty has been written.

And I'm no where near as sad as I thought I'd be.
I thought when it was going to come down to this I'd break down crying.
But we needed this, ever since I first visited things have been a bit on the rocks between us.
I really love you Steph for saying what I've wanted to say for so long.
It felt like I never had a chance from the start, I wasn't going to be able to ever succeed.
She would tell me I was going to leave her because she wouldn't get over Mike.
Literally telling me what I'm going to do, not trusting me at all.
But now here we are about 2 months later, and we are ending things mutually.
It isn't a permanent break up though, we are going to see where we both are in November.

I'm very excited, because regardless what happens I'll still be moving in with Kylie and Adri.

I get my own room.
I get smash.
I get to live with 2 of the most awesome girls I've met in a long time.
I will get to see all of the friends I've made from Kylie, and often.

I don't know if it really was the distance in the end. I think we got off to a rough start,
and we both lost our footing in the relationship around the same time.
She couldn't trust me with anything, and I felt she was hiding the world from me.

But maybe now this can be a nice big restart button for us? 
In fact tonight we've been the most normal with each other in weeks, maybe since before I even came up to New Jersey the first time.
I could be myself again, I felt like a huge weight was lifted from me.
I know she feels the same.
So now we're both single until November, and if she gets together with Dan by then
Well then it just wasn't meant to be with me and her. Nothing I can get upset about.
It just makes me so curious why she doesn't think things with him and her will work out.
But I don't want to give myself too much false hope, nor words in her mouth.

I'm just so happy right now, because I feel like for once a relationship in my life didn't have to end horribly.
For once in my life, (granted she wasn't completely honest, but in her eyes things were bad with us) 
I can walk away from a relationship and still be able to talk to that person.
Still be able to say "Yeah, I'm moving in with you guys in November"
Be able to say "Let's pick things up again in the near future, and see if it works out better"
And with that alone, I have confidence in myself again.
Call me crazy but it is soo true! She always made me happy, and even in the end I'm happy now.
I can't tell you how horrible it has been losing every girl I've been in a relationship with.
Maybe I'm happy because I feel like I have a real chance in November,
Or because I don't want to believe she will leave me behind for someone else

But I can't worry about that stuff anymore, because now it is time to focus on the important thing,
For the entire relationship I was constantly worrying about her, a little too much.
I was letting myself slide, and it was because I knew something was wrong in the relationship.
Because I was letting myself go, I was hurting us even more. So it was just cyclic hell.
Things couldn't have been settled any better then they did, but now I feel like there is clarity again.
And now I'm going to focus on my stationary set due at 1pm. As well as my images to edit for Christina.

So here is to me, to you, to Kylie, Adri, Justin, Steph, Kelly, Ash, the Pats, and everyone else in New Jersey:
To many months of fun after November, many years of success in our futures, many memories to make,
and most importantly here is to all of our future loves, adventures, hardships, and families.

:o Yay gifts!

So I knew I was gonna get a bracelet, and for whatever reason I really wanted one.
It probably has to do with me always stealing something from who ever I'm dating.
Makes me feel as if I've taken a part of them to remember them by regardless what happens.
I was surprised though because I got other goodies.
Pictures follow:
Photogs!Collapse )

I miss her.
Quite a bit.
She misses me to.
Quite a bit.
She also misses some other people,
probably some she could do without missing.
But its ok, its normal to miss people.

I just wish I could be there to hold her,
and hug her, which probably sucks the most.
She is on a cruise until Sunday, I'll see her at the airport for an hour,
Then She'll be gone again.

I won't be able to hug her again,
I won't be able to kiss her again,
and I won't be able to do anything but miss her.

One of the worst parts is we don't even know the next time will be that we will be with each other.

I wish I could be there for her, and help her out of the depression she is in,
then again my counselor always says to help others you have to help yourself first,
and in this case helping myself I think would help her as well.

There is just a lot of negative going on in both of our eyes,
and the positive just seems to be getting overshadowed by it.
It really sucks to because I am going to get her that ring,
and I know we'll be together forever,
but in the mean time we have a handful of states between us,
and she is unhappy with where she is in life,
and I'm unhappy with where I am in life.

We both just want to be so much farther along,
I feel as if us being together may help us both out to motivate one another.
Because then we aren't just doing things for ourself,
but for someone else we care a lot about as well.

So with all of that said I am excited, and depressed, but happy.
That one day she'll be mine, and that same day I'll be hers.

I wish I knew why I was this depressed, according to family I shouldn't be.
Apparently I have nothing going wrong where I can be depressed for a month or two, or five.
Its not like they knew how determined I was to get my equipment, or how serious I was
in telling them how I needed their help, or how much Kylie means to me, or how badly
I don't want to be in Florida anymore, or how much work my school is, or how often I worry about money,
or how badly I want to be with old friends, or how badly it hurts when I'm always looked down on
just because I'm the little brother. I clearly don't know anything in their eyes, so why do they
still expect me to respect them? At least now my mom is making an attempt to, as is biggest bro.

I just know what I want, and I know I want to work, I just wish there was some way I could find a place
willing to work around my nutty schedule. There isn't much I want in life, the first being a person,
the second being a sense of accomplishment, and the third being successful.

Maybe I'll realize how to accomplish this along my travels.
Until I do though, I promise you I'm not going to give up on any of my achievable goals.
I promise I'll be successful.
I swear I will achieve that sense of accomplishment.
And nothing will stop me from buying that ring.

Maybe this would be easier if I wasn't alone this entire time on my journey =\

I'm not being fair.
I haven't been fair to her. I promised her it would be ok and I fucked up.

I'm sorry.


Log in

No account? Create an account