One Day.
jcoulas
One day my projects will come to life.

I have an entire book of ideas written up and ready to go at a moments notice. What moment am I waiting for? The moment I have an extra income of around 20,000 dollars. Each one of these ideas is going to cost me thousands to pull off how I see it T_T. I think it is time I start pitching ideas to people... I need to start making money off them somehow :(

One Door Closes
jcoulas
Then three more open up. Interesting how life works.

Another vent
jcoulas
So I finally found out the full truth, which I knew was true all along. She didn't just make out with him like she claimed, obviously. You don't get bruises all over your body from making out...

If I've ever wanted to punch a whole through a kitten, right now is that time. I'm pissed off at her, pat continues to prove his worth as a douche, and other friends continue to show their obvious allegiance which was never even in question. The only positive thing to come through all of this is that I've finally met someone and also finally got shit out of the way. My microdermal is barely hanging on and it has been ripped 3 times in the past 24 hours now T_T brutal.

Next time you cheat on me, do me a favor and don't fuck me afterward without the common decency of suggesting to use a condom. That shit is fucked up. Why even fuck him out of all the people? It doesn't even make sense, unless of course I'm still being lied to about other things which I really don't doubt at all. It is bullshit that girls can go around doing w/e the fuck they want with no regard to the people they "love." I unfriended Steph on facebook, unfollowed her on twitter, and don't plan on talking to her again for some time. Maybe the next time we start hanging out again she will respect me more and not do shit behind my back :(

I hope the sex was good, and I hope you have plenty more with random people. I on the other hand will do my thing, keep moving on in life, get a job in Orlando that I can live off of, find more friends, and hopefully find someone that respects me and treats me with love just as much as I do them. I hope that I meet someone that if they are bored sexually, they are aware enough to bring that up. I hope that I meet someone mature enough emotionally that if they have been thinking of other people, they could bring it up with me and talk it out.

Having feelings about other people while you've been with someone else is not uncommon. In fact, it is such a problem there are books about it, and ways of coping. If you truly love someone, then you respect them, trust them, and feel that they deserve your time of day. There are plenty of outs I offered steph, I even told her I didn't believe that all she did was kiss pat, I even told her I didn't believe bart was just over to watch movies, I hate fucking being lied to. Diaf. Diabaff. I hope karma catches up one day, which would mean I probably keep getting fucked over and she will be in a happy relationship in a couple of weeks. Fucking karma is off sometimes I swear.

Too long? Didn't want to read that shit? - If you have feelings, are bored sexually, or think there is any kind of problem with your relationship - TALK TO YOUR FUCKING PARTNER. I can bet money, that if they leave you because you came to them, THEY WERE FUCKING USELESS ANYWAY. My ears were always open to you steph, I always ALWAYS was around for you. We had good sex, we had long talks, we had hard times, and we had good times. Why was it so difficult for you to bring up to me that you wanted to end things? Why was it easier to fuck pat than to tell me, "Joe, I've been changing lately. I don't think I want to be in a relationship anymore."

You could have saved me a lot of pain. Take the burden on yourself, you are the one who wants it.

To every girl out there, right now reading this- Instead of cheating on the person you are with, its a lot easier to break up with them. Especially when that person can read you like an open fucking book.

Strange moments.
jcoulas
Tonight I learned what paradigm was affecting my life, and how.

There was one paradigm completely wrecking my life in the most obvious of ways, and until it was unusually pointed out to me; I had no clue it had even existed. This explains away all the bad feelings I had, it explains why when I was leaving Steph something just felt miserably wrong and off, and it also explains why I have been feeling so sad.

Steph and I were talking tonight, and at one point I brought up how I have been having the same problems in every relationship for quite some time. Light bulb. At this point all my psychology training came rushing back to me (thank you Full Sail) and it said the following, "If you are having the same problem over and over again, chances are you are making the same mistake over and over again."

This should have been so much more obvious to me, so much earlier. I've been dating girls, that while we both may love each other- I end up bringing much more to the relationship.

Fucking Duh. Why has it been that they end up cheating on me sooner or later? Because honestly they don't respect me and what I do for them / have done for them.

It wasn't until recently that Kylie even admitted to my face that she was sorry :| and honestly I love her so much for that, it is amazing to hear that. She was part of the reason this all clicked, she wrote an amazing letter to me as a good bye gift and honestly I think it was the best gift I have ever gotten.

Oh except Steph didn't sign it.

Like seriously? I was about to leave, and you didn't sign it? You didn't even get me a card at all, or anything really. I know you were upset when I left, but you never even thought to give me a keep sake, I had to ask for one.

This is what I mean. I dated girls that invested less emotionally, of course I will be cheated on, its fucking inevitable. I'm not saying they didn't love me immensely, but with love comes respect, and I can tell you right now I was not respected like I should have been.

I am very unhappy with myself, however now that I see what I have been overlooking I can finally move on with my life. I don't even want another relationship right now. I just want to get on with my life, with a new breath in my lungs, and hope to god some one hires me.

I am Joe, hear me RAWR. I had amazing times with Steph, and I love her to death. However, I now I see why things did not work out, and more importantly I am happy that we decided to break up. The relationship was based off of both of our insecurities, and now if we ever meet in the future hopefully we will both be in a much better place. She is an amazing girl, I was right all along. She just wasn't the amazing girl for me, at least not yet.

The reason everyone could see how perfect we were together was because we were perfect together lol, we had very complimenting personalities and we had a lot of the same interests. Hell we still do, and I hope that she is a staple in my life because like all the people I have dated she has helped me grown immensely.

To long; Didn't read:
I love Steph. Our relationship was a complete success, we both grew up. Thank you, and I hope that one day in the future our paths cross again so that we can hang out and at the least be friends, especially since you have some of the best people in your life.

I'm Good!
jcoulas
Its funny how a simple experience breaks your confidence, and the help of a friend completely renews it. I'm glad I got myself back, because now I can move on with life and get what I really need done :) I'm here in Florida to progress my life- this includes work and friends.

No way in hell am I going to let anything slow me down now, this isn't some short term confidence either. I think I'm actually good now. Do I miss Steph? Yeah sure, we had some awesome times together. Really though I am so excited to meet new people, and I think for the first time ever I know that I will meet a lot of people that will like me for who I am cuz Im just that good. :P Kidding.

Thank you Steph, you're pretty fucking awesome. No reason to lie, you broke my confidence. The fact that you could also rebuild it is just fucking awesome.


I got this.

Swimming
jcoulas
You know when you break up with someone its a constant struggle between balancing staying active, and trying to not think of them. I find myself just kind of swimming around, so to say. Going from place to place, thing to thing, just trying to not stop. Yet here I am sitting at home for the past several hours in the off chance of a call or text.

I know this is no where near the end of the world... but sometimes it can feel like it. Writing has been helping me a lot lately, so I hope to continue until I feel better. Its just nothing seems to get my mind away from the sadness, except for talking to her. She doesn't really want to talk to me though so I have so little to be comforted by. I can forget for temporary amounts of time, forget what its like to hold her, to sleep with her, to give her kisses all over, but then it all comes back and makes me miss it so much. I wish we could talk and she could be ok with it, I feel as if while that would make things harder initially but it would help us both so much more than what we're doing right now.

I'm just afraid that because she feels so saddened that she will stop talking to me completely and just store the love she has for me and lock it up to be forgotten. I'm scared for us, and what we were and are. I'm scared of losing one of the best people to have ever entered my life.

Dazed and Confused
jcoulas
This was a lot longer, but honestly this is how I am feeling. All the other stuff is irrelevant and this sums up where I am right now.

I want to think of how much I love her and smile, not cry.

Subject line here
jcoulas
I don't know what I want to say, hence the blatant fail subject line.

My new friends are ridiculously amazing, I literally knew them for 5 minutes before they were just like "dude wtf we're friends, why would you even doubt that?" It is awesome realizing that there are really people out there just capable of being friends without problems.

But then I can't help but think about sad things, so I keep moving. The sad things I think of aren't even sad though! They are such happy memories of Steph, and they make me so sad and it just doesn't make sense. I love her still, and there were so many good moments we had.

Seriously over a year of amazing moments. Who can say that they had an entire year with someone that was just so simply amazing, then ended it on the best note humanly possible?

I have no right to be sad about this :| but of course I am. I know she has been to so that hasn't been making it any easier. I hope that sometimes soon we can be normal again... I don't know if we will ever be romantic again but I do know I will never stop loving her just like I never stop loving anyone.

What hurts a lot is the choices she makes, but its not like I don't understand why she chooses the things she does. She wants to dull her pain and constantly moving while not talking to me is the best way to do that... I'm just so afraid she is going to forget me.

I spent 10 hours straight with these new friends, and it was awesome. Yet I still worried about her almost the entire time, on and off. I'm getting better, but I don't want to forget how strong the love I had / have was / is. I hope she doesn't either...

I love you still steph, but its time for me to move on. I just don't know how :x maybe soon I'll get it, but I hope you do to... because we can't waste all the good times we had by feeling sorry for ourselves.

I hope you read this, but I won't ever show it to you. This is what I've wanted to talk to you about even though you've been to busy.

Thank Kylie
jcoulas
I haven't posted in ages, and she mentioned that I haven't written in ages.

I am writing a poem write now and my mind keeps wandering to the same crap. The thought of steph with someone else.

Why do I let such bothersome things plague me? There is nothing I can do but move on; there was nothing I could have done to change our outcome. The pain is still there though, talking has not helped much more than relieve me temporarily. I need a more permanent fix. I'm hoping writing helps me get this out more so that I can go back and write my poem.

So here it goes.

I miss steph a lot.
I love steph a lot.
I fear steph forgetting me, a lot.
I fear steph moving on from me, a lot.
I fear me never moving on, a lot.
I fear I will never find someone as special as she is to me, a lot.
I fear death, a lot.
I fear life, a lot.
I fear that she can be with someone else, a lot.
I fear that I will be hurt, a lot.
I fear that no matter what happens I will end up doing this all over again, a lot.

4 months from now, I am sure I will look back at this and think about how crazy I am. How silly it was of me to have these feelings, I understand that nothing I do could get me and steph back together. I understand that there was nothing I did wrong, and that there was nothing she did wrong. Yet that is the worst part of it all. I miss her so much, and I love her so much.

I feel quite confident in posting this tonight. I hope that this will be my goodbye letter to my heart.

Dear Heart,

Fuck you. You've made me fall in love with people, and you've made me hurt so bad. You've kept me from being me when I wanted to the most. You've made me so passionate that the mere thought of her makes my heart pound like I was in high school again. You've made me drive to Iowa, you've made me move from Florida, to New Jersey, and back again. You've been the cause of almost all my depression ever, and worse of all you've never let me let go. So please for once in my life show me mercy and let me move on. Let me love her, and not be in love with her. Let me be strong, with tears in my eyes instead of weak.

I want someone to read this, and know exactly how I feel. That will never happen though, because no one can feel what you feel.

(assuming someone is actually reading this) If you have ever read through my writings, you will notice the most common thing throughout- love. Not just romantic love, but love in general. I love too much, and its starting to break me down. Just as I keep thinking that I have found the person I am happiest with, I am proven wrong and they are taken away from me.

So for once, I call shenanigans. Stop making me feel like shit, even though I have no reason. Why couldn't she have done something terrible to me? That would make things so much easier -_- but instead on the night I departed, the two of us held each other crying. I still hurt every minute since the moment I left her, and I know it will end eventually. It just isn't soon enough, I've already met so many amazing people, and had so much fun. I just can't stop thinking about her and how badly I want to be with her and how badly I want to hold her, and how perfectly she fits in my arms, and how long we would just lay down and cuddle, and the silly voices she would make, and the times she would get me mad, or sad, or upset, or the times she asks questions, or the times she looks up to me because I'm so strong. Well you know what, look how strong I am. Strength is an illusion, it comes and goes as if it was never even there. Strength isn't the real important matter.

Resilience is.

And I'm one resilient mother fucker.

-Love Joe.

Scrambling, rambling, but somehow shambling
jcoulas
Much love goes out to the ones who go without.

Scrambling, rambling, but somehow shambling

It's daily I see,
Inexplicable mystery,
Written in stone, for all history.

A struggle with life,
A trial by knife,
That elemental, essential strife.

Thought forms,
Mind storms,
Still, no norms.

This turbulent mind,
Has nothing to find,
So please let's re-wind.

I enter the scene,
Thinking I'm keen,
On what it is that she has seen.

To my surprise,
Yet her demise,
All life is made of lies.

What I'm trying to say,
Is that there's no way,
For life to end in just parlay.

Risk it all,
Or continue to crawl.
Her fear is still her wall.

So now she stands,
While clasping hands,
One of her last sarabands.

A dance most heavenly
One step with serendipity,
And make her mark for eternity.

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